Journal Entry: Wed Aug 13, 2014, 9:32 AM
Mood: dA Love
Reading: Columbine by David Cullen
I don't know what to write for this journal entry, this is my third time restarting it, and I am still unsure if this will be the last, if it is thats great. There is one reason I live and that is because of Christ, that is why I create the artwork I do, that is why I search for more than just the things I see in this world. Lately if you were to ask me if I were Christian I may hesitate and think about it for a minute, because I have been lost, depressed, and unsure about the love that God has for me. But that doesn't mean He wasn't there. Because of those around me, the church that I go to, the God that I learned to love, and the Bible that teaches me the things I so desperately need to learn, I am turning away from those emotions and thoughts to the one that died on the Cross. It's not an easy path and I don't expect all of those things to go away immediately but I know that God is with me and will be until I return home to Him. There is one verse that I will continue to rely on and will never forget because it has kept me from completely turning from this amazing man. It's Matthew 9:24 : "I believe, heal my unbelief." I always thought that my belief was all on my shoulders and that if I failed to believe in all that Christ, all that God can do, it was my fault and that there was nothing I could do to remedy that, and I was right. My belief comes from the man that created it, God gives me the faith that I need to continue to trust in Him. I don't have all of the answers, and I know that I never will. It's hard to accept that, especially because I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which was diagnosed about three years. This is the first time that I have written about anywhere, it's freeing. Because of my anxiety, I need answers, I need to be told exactly what is going to happen, I need to know everything that could possibly go wrong, but God doesn't work like that, it makes it harder to put my faith in Him obviously, but it doesn't make it impossible. This is just something that I wanted to write about.
Now I know that not everyone agrees with Christianity. That is okay, I am not here to force you to believe. Do I pray that one day you will believe as I do? Sure. Will I judge you for the life that you lead? Maybe a little at first, because I am human and it's become instinct, but it won't end there. I will love you either way. I will do all that I can to listen to all that you have to say, to hear your beliefs and to try my best to learn about everything that you believe. I want to respect you, to be kind to you, to love you in every way that I know how. So please do not let this be a turn off. I want to hear from the people that have taken interest in my work, and if you have any questions, ask me, I am willing to answer anything you want to know, I want to be an open book, transparent, and vulnerable. It isn't something that comes very easily but I'm learning that sometimes we have to do what's hard for us to allow God to do what's easy for Him.